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Copyright 2001 Realization.org.



Autobiography of a Monk
By Shri Acharya Abhidhyanananda Avadhuta


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Teaching Again


Immediately after my master's sweet nightly visit, I began losing my fixation on both my small self -- that precious "me" each of us so cherish and its addiction to self-referential thinking. The way I felt, thought, and, especially, taught -- in fact, everything in my life -- gradually changed, and changed radically.

Self-referential thinking -- that constant mental comparing of ourselves to others, of the present situation to past experience and the constant scheming for self-gain -- is a natural human phenomenon, but it is rooted in fear, which is based on the delusion that each of us has a fixed personality (and identity) and on the false hope that we can prevent its eventual disintegration. Self-referential thinking lies at the foundation of all human troubles, as it makes us react to the present based on the past rather than simply be in and savor the moment -- that precious present moment -- which is all that we truly "have" in this life. As self-referential thinking abates, fear and attachment to one's personality begins its natural death, which allows the natural joy of life to surface and shine unrestrained. And so it was for me -- a remarkable and unexpected experience, which is not over yet...

As my mind became free of time-consuming self-preoccupation, I started perceiving realities beyond the clouds of my mind. Gradually, I began noticing a clear separation between the Self and the thoughts and emotions that were associated with It, and which I used to call "myself." This in itself led to lesser and lesser attachment to, dependence on, and influence from the thoughts and emotions that used to push and pull me in so many directions.

Soon, emotional lows completely ceased to trouble me. I might feel emotionally tired but never melancholy or depressed. Increasingly, I felt a profound sense of inner satisfaction. I actually found contentment...

Being satisfied and content and unidentified with my emotions and thoughts led me to realize that I have always been Conscious Bliss Absolute. I had always been Divine Spirit, ever abiding in Bliss, forever taking on a multitude of forms. Yet I had somehow ignored this (now) self-evident fact.

My meditation practice transformed itself into a continual offering thanks to God for all good things. And that led me to even greater lightness and joy in my heart. Now my yoga practice is that of trust in Providence.

These accomplishments, which are not mine to claim but are truly the Lord's Gift, are more than I had ever expected -- especially in so few years! I am so completely satisfied that I have nothing more to look forward to, nor do I have the need to "look forward"! It is liberating! Although I am by no means permanently established in this state, what a rare joy to be able to say honestly and without reservation: "Even if I die now, I will die satisfied."

Along with the above-described realizations, new teachings started to form in my mind. These were no longer based on the intellectual interpretations of my master's ideas or the ideas I had read elsewhere or heard from others, but on the direct experience of the states beyond the mind where the Universal Teacher Principle resides. (No intellectual activity can result in spiritual realization.)

I began by writing the teachings down in Russian and then translating them into English. Eventually I would write them down in English first. My new writings were simple, a bit disorganized intellectually (which was irritating to my intellectual sensibilities), and doctrinally a little off-beat (which appeased the rebel in me). Yet, many experienced teachers that I engaged to keep an eye on me confirmed my writings' spiritual integrity. In such a way, I began a second service and outreach phase in my life.


Copyright 1991-1999 Abhidhyan Yoga Institute, Inc. All rights reserved.



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This page was published on Realization.org on May 25, 2000.

Copyright 2001 Realization.org. All rights reserved.