| Then,
a few years ago, during a time when I was going through
some particularly challenging personal circumstances,
I woke up one spring morning feeling depressed. My normal
pattern would have been to get out of bed feeling somewhat
low, and then go and sit on my meditation cushion and
just breathe, center myself, open to spirit, and wait
for the negative energy to clear.
But
this morning I lay in bed and faced myself in a way
I never quite had before. I was sick of saying "I feel
this" or "I feel that" and remaining trapped in some
cycle, however minor, of conflict and unfulfillment.
I had been listening to my spiritual guide, Jean Klein,
say for years that I was not the person I took myself
to be. His teaching had taken root in me. Perhaps it
was just that I was now ready to face whatever this
last vestige of "me" was.
As
I lay in bed I got really present, and put the question
to myself, "So, who is depressed?" and probed deep into
the interior of my own consciousness to find this "me"
who insisted he felt depressed.
Of
course, I couldn't find it. "I" and "me" don't exist,
except as concepts, appearances, in the mind. As my
awareness opened and expanded, the three thought-forms
-- "I-feel-depressed" --dissolved, and "I" (as awareness,
as consciousness) felt perfectly okay! I got out of
bed, sat for a while in meditation, and reflected upon
this sense of ease and expansion I now felt, and the
process of self-inquiry that had led me to it. Then
I went happily about my day.
The
same thing happened the next two mornings in a row.
I woke, felt depressed, and lay there with the same
deep inquiry into "who" was depressed. Each time, the
self-concept of "I" or "me" dissolved, the energy in
my body and mind reharmonized itself, and "I" felt fine.
In
the months following that third morning, it became increasingly
evident that I was no longer seeking anything spiritually.
I was no longer able to take my personal sense of "self"
seriously. Indeed, whenever I stopped to look inside
my own consciousness, I couldn't find that old, solid
sense of "me" -- the person I'd believed myself to be
for the previous forty plus years -- anywhere. It had
evaporated like the illusion it always was. In its place
there was just a feeling of inner clarity and freedom
that was constant and stable, and that nothing seemed
to shake.
Occasionally
something would happen to cause upset (and, once in
a while --inevitably -- still does). But then I, as
awareness, the consciousness that expresses through
this body/mind/ego, would quickly remember that I was
neither the circumstance nor the story about it, and
the sense of being a "somebody" with a problem would
dissolve, to be replaced by a feeling of openness, relaxation,
well-being.
About
a year after that spring morning, I wrote in my journal,
"I've found the way Home, now I'm learning to find my
way in the world." Once we have seen that we are not
the "person," the psychological/emotional entity we
used to think we were, all seeking falls away (who is
there to seek?) and there is no going back. This is
the core insight in a nutshell.
Residues
of the past, the old ego patterns, will arise from time-to-time
-- especially during periods of stress or illness --
but they are quickly seen through and released. You
still have an identity at a personal level, and you
still play certain roles in life, but you know now that
these are not who you really are. This knowing is accompanied
by a profound feeling of inner joy, gratitude, and humility.
What
a gift it is to be born as this consciousness, this
awareness, manifesting through this particular body/mind!
Copyright 2000 Jim Dreaver.
Jim
Dreaver is a former student of Jean Klein's and the author
of several books. To learn more about him, take a look
at his website.
Jim Dreaver's website
The author's website contains information
about his books, teaching schedule, and more.
The
Jean Klein Organization
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